please don't give up

[ECCENTRICSHEEP]

I know World Suicide Prevention Day is a month away, but I’ve got some time on my hands and the words in my heart so I’m going for it now. I put this in this section of the forum because I know this part is totally public. I know who needs to see this will see it.

I want to tell you please, don’t give up. There is always hope, don’t ever give up.

I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety half of my life. I’ve dealt with crippling anxiety and depression the past year or so. So this isn’t just stuff years ago. Some of this is very recent. I’ve spent a lot of time miserable. I’ve spent a lot of time not wanting to be alive. As early as in the last year, I wanted to die. I’ve spent a lot of this year miserable and depressed and scared to death with anxiety. I understand, please know I understand, that I’ve been there, and you’re not alone. YOU’RE NOT ALONE WITH WHAT YOU’RE GOING THROUGH.

I’ve spent a lot of time using STUFF to get rid of my pain. I was a cutter for years; the scars are still there on my arms. I’ll show them to you to prove it, if you need to know you’re not alone. I’ve used alcohol for years on and off. I consider myself mentally addicted to alcohol because I think about it a lot and I want it a lot even if I don’t drink it. I’ve used shopping; even my little sheep have been an unhealthy source of using things to feel better. I’ve even used concerts and interaction with bands to escape the pain. I’ve developed OCD and compulsive hand washing to deal with my more recent increase in anxiety the last few years. I’ve spent a lot of time using stuff instead of God to cope with my pain.

But you know what? NONE OF THAT STUFF WORKED! The pain was still there.

I don’t use medications to deal with this stuff. I see a counselor who I can talk about and use my belief in God as part of my treatment. I use cognitive behavioral therapy techniques.

But you know what works the best? When I get to my lowest point, and I can’t take it anymore…I ask God for relief and ask for him to grant me peace. I tell you every time this year I have begged for relief he has ALWAYS granted it! And when I need to see something through and face a fear and have faith in him to get me through it…he got me through it. Because sometimes not washing my hands one more time felt like I was leaving my life in God’s hands and having faith he would protect me. It felt that way to me then.

I have had times in my life where God’s promises were the ONLY thing keeping me alive. And I’m still here, because he always keeps his promises. ALWAYS!

I know what it’s like to hate yourself. Honestly I still think I’m the scum of the earth. I know what it’s like to absolutely not be able to stand being around yourself because you hate yourself so much, but you can’t get away from yourself. You know what? It’s okay if you don’t like yourself that much. You need to know how much God adores and loves you though. Just hold on to that, even if you can’t say you love yourself, you NEED to be able to say God loves you. Because he wants you home with him more than anything. Everything he does for you is to get you home with him one day. And you didn’t have to do anything to get that love. You didn’t even have to be alive yet because he sent Jesus to die for your sins long before you were born. And he knew your whole life when he did that, he already knew everything you were going to do one day, and he still did it.

Hold on to Heaven as tight as you can. It’s promised to you. And its forever. Nothing here will last; it’ll all be gone one day. So even if you spend the rest of your earthly life miserable, it won’t be forever. So there is ALWAYS hope. There is ALWAYS a reason to not give up.

But I don’t think you will be miserable your whole earthly life. I know it’ll get better. So please hold on and don’t give up and see this through. You might feel like the one sheep that got lost that God never went to find like I did, but he’s coming for you like he always will.

And this little scarred up sheep is right here too and knows what you’ve been through. So if the herd gets a little lonely, come find me.

-Eccentricsheepy on twitter

[WanderingStar]

Thanks so much for sharing this. It's something that so many people need to hear. And thank you for being brave enough to use even the hard parts of your life to encourage and bless others-- that is ridiculously awesome, and it's evidence of the beautiful purpose God has for your life.

Our afflictions overtaken by the inexplicable
with a grace that takes the place of chains.
Crimson cascading over the most unforgivable,
stealing all our sins away.
We have been reborn!
- Disciple

[ECCENTRICSHEEP]

Now that National Suicide Prevention Week is here, I'm going to tell you about the worst day of my life, which is also one of the most amazing days of my life. The day I learned I wasn't alone.

Back in November 2000 (I believe this is correct) I went to a church camp at Lubbock Christian University called Winterfest. I was a junior in high school. I was in a period of severe depression. The worst I've ever had. This was the first church camp thing I ever did because I just didn't participate in my youth group much. One the way there I bought a bunch of energy pills, like more than I would need. I don't even think I should have been able to get them. Don't know why I got them I didn't need them. I decided to take all of them just to see what would happen. Would I pass out? Would I die? I don't know, and I didn't care. So I took 6 of them at once when you are suppose to take 1 every 6 hours...probably not enough to kill myself but in my mind I thought maybe it could who knew. I actually tried to buy more later but they wanted an ID for them and I wasn't 18 yet. So who knows if I should have been able to buy any, and who knows what would have happened if I took more of them.

Later that night I was sick as a dog, and up all night because surprise I couldn't sleep took a bunch of energy pills. I spent all night shaking in the bathroom of the girls dorms trying to puke up the pills. So in the morning I felt awful and asked to be taken to the ER, and I puked in the trash can out in the hall. I can't really remember how much I told people there honestly.

So my youth minister had to take me to the ER and I got a shot the the nausea and eventually got taken back to the group. I didn't have a group to be with because I missed the stuff earlier that morning. They were at Gattiland in Lubbock. I obviously was not hungry because I was still really sick to my stomache. I felt hopeless and sad and lonely.

I remember sitting in the entry way near tears. And this guy came out of nowhere and asked me if I wanted to talk about it. We went outside and talked and I mentioned going to the ER and he saw my scars because I had been cutting by then. And he said he understood what I was going through, and he had been in the ER for a drug overdose before. I don't remember everything, but it was the first time I had met someone who understood how I felt. He introduced me to one of the group leaders and I went with her to the next activity because I didn't have a group. I saw him a couple more times that day. He didn't seem like a high schooler, but he didn't seem like a college student volunteer either. But college kids seemed to know he so I guess he went to LCU at that time, but I don't know why he was there that day, except to talk to me and help me out. I got to talk to him again that night because AVB performed and I saw him there and got to thank him. We exchanged addresses to write each other.

But after that I never saw him again. When we were leaving and at the guys dorms I hoped I would see him, but I didn't. I wrote him once but he never wrote back. I've never found him online. I just know his name was Justin Williams, and I could probably recognize a picture of him if i saw one. The address he gave me was in Levelland, TX. But he did so much for me that day, a stranger talking to me for a few minutes changed my life forever. I learned I wasn't alone.

I want to do that for you today, you, the one reading this, you aren't alone. Never believe you're alone. And always believe in hope. Because hope is always there, because heaven is waiting for you. And all your pain will be gone one day, just believe in God, have faith in his will, and see this life through and have faith God will get you through it. Heaven is waiting for you, its all yours if you just have faith and hold on.

[lappinglivingwater]

Thanks for sharing. It took a lot of courage for you to share this. I know I sound like an old crankpot in some of my posts but I honestly enjoy reading yours and am thankful that you share on these boards (and I'm honestly not that much older than you; 2000 was my sophmore year in university). Thanks again.

You know those little children that Jesus laid hands on and blessed because He loved them so much? That was you.

(And if you're reading this because you can associate with ECCENTRICSHEEP's posts, it was you too. Matthew 19:13-15.)

[ECCENTRICSHEEP]

thanks

sometimes I don't even believe what I said so I have to read it again when my hope levels get a little low

[ECCENTRICSHEEP]

(this is version 2 I guess, put together a little better since I've had all these ideas roaming around in my mind simmering for a while now)


If you're reading this, and you're struggling, I just want you to know you're not alone. If you get anything from this, I want you to know you're not alone.

Please don't ever give up. Don't ever ever give up. I know life feels totally hopeless sometimes and not worth
continuing. I've been there a lot myself, I know the feeling. I know it feels hopeless, but please try to believe me when I tell you its not hopeless. Hope is always there, in fact hope is eternal if you believe in Jesus Christ. Its better than eternal, hope will be fulfilled one day. Because in heaven pain won't hurt you anymore, so your pain and struggles is temporary. Even if you suffer from birth until death on this planet, your pain is temporary still. Heaven is yours for eternity if you believe, so that means hope is always there for you in this world. Hope is forever there with you. So don't give up.

I can say all this even after struggling with depression, anxiety, and coping with pain in all the wrongs ways for
half of my life. I've been a cutter, I've drank, used drugs, and used things to try to escape the pain inside.
I wear the scars on my arms from my battle with pain. So if you wear those scars too, please know you aren't alone. None of these things made the pain go away.

Escaping pain won't help you because while you're ignoring it, the pain is right there waiting for you to come back. You have to face what's troubling you and deal with it. And its okay if talking about it is hard, I know it is for me. But hurting yourself isn't a healthy way of dealing with it. I've always written poetry myself so I recommend any form of writing it out so you can get those feelings out of you.

One day when I was in high school, and back then I very badly wanted my life to end, I decided to hang on because God promised it would get better, and it did get better. Because God's promises will never be broken. People will let you down, but God never will. His promises are forever.

Don't give up, there is always hope. I'm always here if you need help.

[SarahJL]

Thank you so much for that message and your courage. I really needed to hear that today.
Do you have any certain Bible verses that you read when you are really low because i struggle to know what to look for?

[ECCENTRICSHEEP]

Romans 8:38-39! Nothing nothing nothing can take God's love away from you, even if you feel like he's far away and not listening its not true because NOTHING can get between y'all except you pushing him away.

38 For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Actually Romans is a good book in general I think. Paul's letters have a lot of good stuff.

I read John chapter 14 a lot too because Jesus is saying he's going to come back for us and we'll never be alone because the holy spirit is with us!

“Do not let your heart be troubled; [a]believe in God, believe also in Me. 2 In My Father’s house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you. 3 If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself, that where I am, there you may be also. 4 And you know the way where I am going.”

16 I will ask the Father, and He will give you another [b]Helper, that He may be with you forever; 17 that is the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it does not see Him or know Him, but you know Him because He abides with you and will be in you.

Okay not everyone might like this one, but I read Lamentations 3 a lot when I was younger because I felt like God had abandoned me and left me to die, so 3:31-33 comforted me even though really God had never abandoned me at all he was always there.

19 I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.
20 I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.
21 Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
22 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”
25 The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
26 it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the Lord.
27 It is good for a man to bear the yoke
while he is young.
28 Let him sit alone in silence,
for the Lord has laid it on him.
29 Let him bury his face in the dust—
there may yet be hope.
30 Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him,
and let him be filled with disgrace.
31 For no one is cast off
by the Lord forever.
32 Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,
so great is his unfailing love.
33 For he does not willingly bring affliction
or grief to anyone.

[SarahJL]

yeah, thanks i will look those up.

[ECCENTRICSHEEP]

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. God is always with you! Through thick and thin, darkness and light, he's always there! And he's going to get you through whatever you're going through right now so stay strong and don't give up!

Hopelessness is impossible!

[ECCENTRICSHEEP]

We all have some thorn we carry. Be it emotional, mental, physical, or temptation of the flesh. Something we fight and struggle with everyday. Something we wish we didn't have to deal with. Something we wish God would take away from us.

Maybe you don't have one, but I know some of you do. Maybe some of you feel like me, and struggle with wanting to be alive at all because you have grown so weary of the thorn you are carrying.

Sorry if I'm repeating myself, I just feel like I'm suppose to write about this today.

2 Cor. 12:7 Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Maybe a thorn has been allowed to remain in your flesh during your time on this earth. Something that can't be cured or will never heal. Something you will deal with your entire life. Something that will never go away no matter how much you wish it to.

Don't let it weaken your faith. Don't waver for a moment because of you thorn. Don't let it take you down and make you think that God isn't there for you. Don't let it make you think that God is against you or punishing you.

So maybe you have to carry something while you are on this earth. I want you to picture yourself griping that thorn in your fist. I want to you say "If I have to carry this thorn, this struggle, then so be it! May the Lord's will be done!" If it is God's will for that thorn to remain, then so be it!

Because that thorn can't hurt your soul forever saved by Jesus' blood. So you have nothing to fear from it. Because that thorn can only remain in this world. If you must carry it to your grave, there in the grave it will remain. Because like the riches of this world, you can't take it to heaven with you.

So take heart and stay strong, because your thorn will be only be able to torment you for a short time.

[ECCENTRICSHEEP]

I don’t believe God is the one that put that thorn in your side, but I believe he lets it remain there. Don’t ever think God can’t take it, because God is all powerful and can do anything. Don’t ever think God won’t take it because he wants you to suffer on purpose, because God loves you and is going great lengths across heaven and earth to save you because he loves you. So what is left? That means it is for your good. Because you’re going to make it through this, and it will make you stronger then. And maybe its for someone else’s good, because you’re going to be able to help others with this same thorn. What a gift that is, to be able to say to someone “I know, I’ve been there, and I know how to get out”

_________________________________________



I believe that God doesn’t give us or allow to happen to us more than we can handle. Why would God gives us more than we can handle? Is not everything God works in our lives for our good? As in we go through trials and struggles to become stronger, wiser, and more faithful children of God…so why would he gives us something he knows we can’t handle? God allows struggles, but he does not give out needless suffering to punish his children…there is always a purpose, so for his purposes and work to be fulfilled, we need to endure the trial or have the wisdom to ask our father for help…who has power over all of heaven and earth

If he allows it, you can handle it. You can actually handle anything because God is all powerful and all knowing, and he loves you and wants nothing more than for you to be in heaven with him. And that God is on your side, so therefore you can handle anything. So there is nothing that happens to you that is something you can’t handle.

[ECCENTRICSHEEP]

Today is Self Injury Awareness Day. I just wanted to let anyone know who is reading this that might be practicing self harm that they aren't alone here. I cut for several years throughout high school and college, and I still struggle every now and then with other methods of self harm when my anxiety gets really bad.

I love you, and I honestly don't want you to do what I did. It hurts my heart and soul to see all those images of cutting all over sites like tumblr because I know what they are feeling, and I wish they didn't have to go through that.

But if you must walk through the valley, know that God has been with you the whole time, and he'll never leave you. Hopelessness is impossible because hope can't be taken away from you. So stay strong and don't give up. You're longingly created as a brilliant masterpiece by our God who knows all, sees all, and can do anything. And he loves you and he's with you always.

[ECCENTRICSHEEP]

Here is another way to look at how that hole in your heart can only be filled by God. I read A LOT of blogs on depression, self harm, suicide, etc. And a lot of people who've never felt suicidal think people who commit suicide are selfish because of all the hurt and pain they leave behind, all the questions and what if's. What they don't understand is in that lowest of low, in that deepest despair where suicidal thoughts live, you actually will believe that your friends and family will be better off without you.

So no person is enough at that moment, and no thing is enough at that moment too keep you alive. But I tell you, if you let God be enough to keep you alive, it will be worth it. I can't tell you that those valleys of desperation and despair will end, but at least this time you will know that the light is indeed there when the fog thickens and takes it from your sight for a moment.

I don't know if that makes sense, its like 6am and I'm still trying to wake up.

[Jenn37]

Your willingness to share moments I think many would consider very personal, is inspiring. I think it does allow people to know they are never alone because for sure those dark places can make someone feel that the hurt will never end and that no one else could know what its like.

[ECCENTRICSHEEP]

This week is National Suicide Prevention Week, and World Suicide Prevention Day is September 10th.

Life is the only valuable thing on earth. You are the only valuable thing on earth. Did you know that? We think stuff like money and autographed objects are worth a lot, but they are worthless compared to you. I could spend my entire life gathering up all the wealth and riches of this world, and what I find would never compare the value your amazing beautiful life has!

You are the only valuable thing on earth because all God wants from this world is you! You are all he wants! All he does is to have you home in his arms again one day! God can do whatever he wants and make whatever he wants. He could create 100 new universes full of amazing planets and sights this very instant. That's not what he wants though, all he wants is you! Everything we see as valuable will be gone one day because this stuff is not valuable to God. All that will be left is our lives, our souls. Therefore you are the only valuable thing on this earth.

You're amazing, you're precious, you are worth everything! You are worth dying for! I do no know you, but if I had the choice to die in your place so you could live I certainly would. You are worth living for to cross paths with one day! Oh it would be my honor to cross paths with you one day. You are one of God's amazing precious children worth more than anything on earth. Be it online or in person, please allow me the honor of interacting with you in some way by staying with us in this life a little while longer.

You do not fight alone, please know that. There are many of us here fighting beside you. We are all scarred and wounded, tired and weary from our battles both inside us and outside of us. We all feel weak. We all desire to give up and give in sometimes. We all know how you feel! You are never alone in this fight because many of us are fighting beside you every day. I am fighting here with you. Come fight with me today!

So this week, this day, keep fighting, keep going, don't give up!

"Its worth the pain, so hold on tonight."

[notebooknut]

This was beautiful, Court! (as always!)

[ECCENTRICSHEEP]

So you're saying "God isn't fixing this" huh? God fixed it a long time ago my friend. Its just not the way you are thinking, and its not the way that leads to a life here on earth without struggle and pain. But it is still fixed my friend, and I stand here unbroken as proof.

There will always be evil here. There will always be sin. We will all sin our whole lives no matter how hard we try. And some of us will succumb to evil and do unimaginable things to others. We will never escape pain and suffering on this earth. No man leaves this earth unscathed and unscarred.

God knew long before you were born all the things you would do and all the things you would say. He knew who would love him, and he knew who would reject him. He knew his children wouldn't be able to save themselves with offerings and laws. This is why Jesus came to earth so many years ago and died for us. To atone for our sins that we could never save ourselves from alone.

And that is why no matter what happens to you on earth...you can still have a hope that never fades and never dies. That's why you can have the strength to endure any struggle or strife you must endure here before you die. Because the way to eternal life without all this pain and suffering is paved before you. Jesus made the way for you to live forever with God without all this bloodshed and tears. And this time on earth is a blink of an eye compared to eternity. All you have to do is endure pain and hurt here for a short time, and in eternity it will all be gone forever.

Yes, God fixed it a long time ago. Its just not the way you wanted him to fix it. But its so much better than anything you could ever dream up. Believe me. Just have faith in him and keep going, even when the way is hard and the path ahead looks dreary and dim. It'll be okay I promise. I promise if you hold your faith in God without wavering, you will stand here unbroken too.

[ECCENTRICSHEEP]

Here we are. Another year we've made it through.

Despite all the stretched out days of despair and at times unbearable anxiety, we made it. Despite all the urges to harm and poison ourselves running through our overactive minds, we made it. Despite those days we wanted to end it all, we made it.

Sometimes it feels like getting through another day is like getting to the top of Mt. Everest isn't it? I think it is as great of an accomplishment...so don't sell yourself short. Because sometimes crawling through every minute and hour of a day that feels unending while feeling so worthless and hopeless to even continue...but still reaching out for hope in faith is an accomplishment.

And who knows right now if this year will be easier, more difficult, or just the same as last year. Can't tell from here, you've just gotta keep going and keep fighting to find out.

Whatever is ahead of you this year...you can make it through, I believe in you.

I'm glad you're still here. Let's keep fighting together.

[ECCENTRICSHEEP]

You know, I almost have a hard time saying I am a Christian in public at times. Not because I am ashamed of God...more like God should be ashamed of me. I am the biggest screw up alive, how can I say I am a Christian in the same breath as many of my shortcomings? I don't always feel like I do the kingdom of God any good saying I am part of it. More like I damage the kingdom of God saying I am part of it.

Because if you think we're all Christians here because we think we're perfect...wow you have it all wrong. I am not perfect...I am far from it as a matter of fact. I am lowest of low below all the believers and nonbelievers around me. I am scum and filth below the feet of those around me. So if you think that I have any proud arrogant thoughts of myself, you are wrong my friend.

It is the fact that I am the scum of the earth and the lowest of low...that is why I am a Christian. I am hopeless and worthless alone. I am nothing by myself! I am only something because despite all my shortcomings and failings, God still loves me and still wants me home with him one day. He knew all of my screw ups and mistakes and still sent Jesus to die for me. He knew all of my weaknesses and faults and still found a way to use me to glorify his kingdom on earth.

It is the fact that I am not perfect, that is why I need my Savior!

It is the fact that without God, I would have killed my hopeless self long ago before I even turned 18. I couldn't have made it this far without my God. If you have gone this far without God, wow I don't know how you did it, but I personally couldn't have.

So knowing that God knows everything I do about myself...all the stuff about myself that I hate...he knows all of it...and he still loves me and still wants me with him forever...that is enough for me to say I am a Christian even when I fail him so much.